Difficult People and How to Deal with Them

Everyone has experienced a difficult person — the one who you avoid because the price you pay for engaging that person is more than you are willing to expend.

– Tony Belak


Difficult behavior can inhibit performance in others and will only deteriorate if left alone, contaminating more people and complicating your life. It takes many forms like rudeness, yelling, shunning, mobbing, gossiping, refusing to talk to or acknowledge others, harassing, or incessant complaining. A passive-aggressive control freak who is a bully too is everyone’s nightmare. Sometimes we cannot avoid the person who becomes our nemesis and have to confront him or her directly. Here are a few tips for how that can be accomplished.

Know Your Hot Buttons

Understandings your limits is important and knowing what topics or mannerism annoy you or causes you to lose control of your demeanor is something you can control. It’s a good guess the person who pushes those buttons realizes the power your weakness gives her. Don’t give up the control only you can lose when you react as expected. Have a plan and stop to realize when the trap is present. If you walk into the conversation or action that triggers your negativity you have lost the negotiation. Center yourself and try not to be manipulated with words that make you lose control of rationality and clear thought.

The Real Deal

When you are engaged with a difficult person and you want to end the conversation you might try one of these phrases:

R - really interesting point…thanks
E - each of us has an opinion
A - another person may disagree
L - lots of luck with that

If you repeat these or other similar phrases during the conversation the difficult person will stop trying to make you argue or react.

Resist the Fight

Difficult people want to interact and control the conversation so that you react without thinking. You do not have to argue, justify, defend, or explain your point of view or position. You are entitled to your feelings and perspective as is the difficult person. You will never change their mind or cause them to see your point of view. The value the difficult person gets is the fight, so resist the temptation to contribute to their happiness through your misery.

The Last Resort

If none of these tips work well and you continue to experience distress due to another person, the last resort is to know that this is a person too with feelings, fears, insecurities, and foibles. The difficult behavior on display has a reason — an underlying motivation that causes them to do what they do so well. If you can figure out why someone does what they do then you might also determine why you react accordingly. When you know why someone is difficult you may help them deal with their emotions without hurting others. It’s possible your foe can be a friend if you can offer a behavior that serves their emotional needs while preserving yours. 

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The opinions expressed in this commentary are the author's and do not necessarily reflect the views of the International Center for Compassionate Organizations.

Tony Belak, JD is the Associate Director of the International Center for Compassionate Organizations and the Ombuds at the University of Louisville in Louisville, Kentucky USA

Copyright © 2014 by Tony Belak • Published with permission.